Entertainment at Gunpoint

If you're wondering why the "singer" on the right is constantly looking off to the side it's because they're holding her parents at gunpoint until she finishes the song.

Wrapping up the Experiment

I took the last dose Friday. I can't say that I'll miss the icky drink but when added to ice-cold water it wasn't all that bad. Not good by any stretch of the imagination but not bad.

It could be the sickness floating around my family but 11:00 came and I was drooping, only to have a restless kind of sleep. ARG! I'm guessing that the energy boost I had this past week was more from the herbs I was swallowing than from any kind of lack of toxins in my system.

As for the sizable packages the first ingredient in Step #3 is Epsom salts, a well known gentle laxative.

Would I do it again? Maybe in a few years after I have time to accumulate sufficient toxins. Until then I can only cross my fingers and hope that I'll get a big bag of chia seeds for Christmas from the local health store. YUM!

Hitting Home

We take a break from colon-related posts for something completely different. A Christmas post.

Years ago I bought the CD "City on a Hill: It's Christmas Time." Normally I don't wade through Contemporary Christian music stuff but this album is a project by Derri Dougherty and Steve Hindalong, the two guys behind The Choir, one of the most respected and innovative Christian alternative bands out there. Good stuff (lotta meat and astounding music) in them there Choir albums.

In 1991 these two got together and pulled together some of Christian music's luminaries and some of their less-successful but artistically inclined friends and made "At The Foot Of the Cross : Clouds, Rain, Fire", a worship album that contemplates the sacrifice of Christ. Yes, a "worship" album. But as I would have hoped from these creative trailblazers this is not a "raise your hands and let the emotions flow" kind of pablum. It's a bit dark, the lyrics are poetic and problematic in that they don't give you easy answers and above all it is very liturgical right down to Latin being worked into the music bridges. The song "When the Sun Fades" had a crazy, weird sound that made me sit up and take notice not only of the instrument known as the bass guitar but also the immense talents of Tim Chandler, the more-often-than-not bassist for The Choir and a demented genius in the minds of many. Both albums are available for download here and proceeds help the band members buy guitar picks. You can't just pick out one or two songs, the album needs to be swallowed whole and as such the album didn't do too well, much like their Choir albums.

They followed up with a second album (The Seven Last Words of Christ) that did even less well and have yet to complete part three but insist that they will one day "get Christ out of the tomb." They also started their "City on a Hill" series which was similar in focus and, for me, had similar mediocre results as the second "Foot" album: One or two very good songs and the rest just meh.

For some reason I bought their "City on a Hill" Christmas album a few years back, probably out of some feeling of wanting to financially support these artists. I listened to it once or twice and enjoyed the many original Christmas songs but it was all pretty "meh", even the song by Terry Taylor, one of my favorite songwriters.

This year I picked up the CD to give me something to listen to while wrapping presents and it just started to click. Not all of it but a lot of it. The one that really cinched things is "Child of Love", written by Steve Hindalong and two guys who are probably in some (then) trendy Contemporary Christian band, Matthew West and Mark Lee. It's sung by Sara Groves who is an artist who has dared to achieve some level of popularity while retaining her faith and artistic integrity. Here's the song:




The song might have affected me the way it does because we have a six month old. I can't imagine being Mary and holding this little baby and knowing that He was "made for all mankind / But you will always be mine." My wife and I kid (well, I kid but I think she's serious) and hold Tessa close and say "MY baby!" Here is Mary, holding HER baby and loving him only the way a mother can love her baby but knowing that while for that night he may be resting in her arms "someday You will save the world." Did she know, holding that cute little baby in her arms, the horrors He would endure for our sake on the cross? When Jesus was on the cross did Mary look up and remember him as HER baby in her arms?

Forget "Breath of Heaven"... this is the meaning of Christmas.

Yet Another Experiment Update

Only two more doses to go!

It was another big day at the office, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

The other effect has been one that I only recently noticed and can only attribute it to the herbal cleansing. Normally at night I start to really drag around eleven. If I'm up and doing something then all is well but as soon as my body goes horizontal it's game over. For the last week, however, I've not been tired at eleven. Or 11:30. Or even midnight. I've had to force myself to go to sleep and even then it's kind of like holding a cork underwater. I wake up with ease at my usual time and even though I have less sleep I'm not tired during the day. Again, this is unexpected and a cause/effect that I've only recently put together so I doubt it's psychosomatic. I wonder if it will continue after I stop taking the pills as the "toxins" build up in me.

Also my darling wife has informed me that my breath smells like catnip. I don't see a problem in this.

Oh, one other thing... I can now see through formica. Wood, steel, plaster... all opaque but formica is as clear as glass. I can't wait until I start to see dead people.

I'd Laugh If'n It Weren't So True

Experiment and other stuff

Six days down, four to go. I'm finding that counting down helps, like in that book "How To Eat Fried Worms." I almost forgot to take my "Cleanse" dose last night and like in the book I woke up the neighbors at five to midnight and made them watch me take it. It was another big day this morning at the ol' outbox. Otherwise I've grown accustom to filling my belly with chia seeds, sparking a revoltingly humorous dream by my wife. The only changes I've noticed is (perhaps) a slight decrease in appetite (probably from drinking step 2) and I've been having a more difficult time falling asleep at night. But then again it could just be because I'm all excited about Christmas!

In the meantime, enjoy this song!

Non-Colon News

A poll that occurred in the spring is just seeing the light of day. It's interesting that talk radio listeners are among the most informed, compared to, say, Leno viewers or New Yorker readers.

Percent that could name that Democrats controlled the House of Representatives:

1 - Hannity & Colmes: 84 percent
2 - Rush Limbaugh: 83 percent
3 - NPR: 73 percent
4 - Colbert Report: 73 percent
5 - The New Yorker/Atlantic: 71 percent (correctly identified Democrats as the majority in the House)
6 - O’Reilly Factor: 70 percent
7 - NewsHour: 66 percent
8 - Daily Show: 65 percent
9 - C-SPAN: 63 percent
10 - CNN: 59 percent
11 - Letterman/Leno: 51 percent
12 - National Enquirer: 44 percent

Percent that could name Condoleezza Rice as the U.S. Secretary of State

1 Hannity & Colmes: 73 percent
2 NPR: 72 percent
3 Rush Limbaugh: 71 percent
4 The New Yorker/Atlantic: 71 percent
5 Colbert Report: 65 percent
6 O’Reilly Factor: 60 percent
8 C-SPAN: 59 percent
9 NewsHour: 52 percent
10 Daily Show: 48 percent
11 Letterman/Leno: 42 percent
12 CNN: 48 percent
13 National Enquirer: 32 percent

Percent that could name Gordon Brown as the Prime Minister of Great Britain

1 The New Yorker/Atlantic: 59 percent
2 NPR: 57percent
3 Hannity & Colmes: 49 percent
4 Colbert Report:49 percent
5 NewsHour: 47 percent
6 Rush Limbaugh: 41 percent
7 O’Reilly Factor: 41 percent
8 Daily Show: 36 percent
9 C-SPAN: 35 percent
11 Letterman/Leno: 31 percent
12 CNN: 29 percent
13 National Enquirer: 22 percent

Full(er) story here

A Grand Experiment -Update

It's gotten easier to drink the herbal swill that is step 2. I've noticed that after I choke it down (it works best if you chug it in three giant gulps, though the last gulp is always very textured) I feel a bit bloaty and gurgly so either the stuff is working or it's just my second stomach working on the cud.

Also not sure what I was expecting... a giant leap in energy? The ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound? The ability to not get upset when my kids all go hyper-freako-wild because it's ALMOST CHRISTMAS? Unfortunately none of these things happened. I did have, um, a lot of work in my outbox Saturday morning but nothing unusual since. Except the antlers. I don't normally grow them until AFTER Christmas.

A Grand Experiment - Day 1

I've been wanting to try one of those colon cleansing products for years. Yeah, I know it's probably a bunch of quackery and I've even read some interesting documentation to that end but still the lure remains. Last year I saw that Wal-Mart actually sells one such cleansing product but my intelligent wife pointed out that they probably have this one based on it's low price, not it's effectiveness.

And so it was last week that we found ourselves in the natural food co-op (we just happened to find ourselves hiding next to a bin of organic fair trade steel cut oats). I think we were drunk on Alfalfa juice and stumbled in there or were lured in by hippies with a promise of a free tofurkey or maybe it was because of the food allergies that run rampant through my household.

In any case it wasn't long before I was standing in front of the dozen or so brands of cleansers. I immediately decided against the Heavy Metal Detox because, frankly, I still like the stuff provided it's done with some artistic integrity and has a strong melody. Picking up box after box (and yes, there is such a product named Colon Blow and it's not the cereal on that old Saturday Night Live commercial) I chose one called Perfect Cleanse. I have no reason why I picked that one as they were all priced about the same and all promised similar results. Maybe it was the two "doctors" on the box that look like they are greasy hucksters with egos giant enough to stamp their mugs on their product.

The regimen is that you take three "Purify" pills thirty minutes before dinner with an 8 oz glass of water. Done. The ingredients in these pills read like a potion from Harry Potter: Milk thistle seed extract, cilantro (aye ca rumba!), Yarrow flower extract, broccoli extract, and dandelion root extract, just to name a few. The box doesn't say but I'm pretty certain I just fulfilled my daily FDA vegetable requirements.

Thirty minutes after dinner is the "Capture" step. This involves mixing some powder (scoop included... thank you greasy hucksters for not making me scrounge around for a scoop) with 8 oz of water and then drinking it. Easier said than done. While not as bad as cognac (which tastes like it was fermented inside a colon) this stuff could easily have been ground up yard clippings. Flax seed, pea hull fiber, alfalfa whole leaf and CHIA SEED! Yes, CHA CHA CHA CHIA! I managed to get this down by repeating the mantra "It's for your health, only nine more to go, it's for your health..."

Before bed is the "Remove" step where you remove your colon and run it under lukewarm water for five minutes. Or you take three more pills, this time with Fenugreek seed extract, Bishop's weed, Fennel seed, Ginger root and other tasty tidbits. No fasting. No instructions to change your normal diet. No warnings to stay away from open flames. Nine more days of this and I should be as clean as a whistle, ready to pack myself full of Christmas cookies, blood pudding, Christmas goose, and Tiny Tim's hat.

Twelve hours later and all systems are normal. Except that I his this herby "Capture-step" smell in my nose. I certainly hope it's just in my nose and that I'm not stinking like a steaming compost pile on a hot August day. I think I'll go ask Brent Augustus to smell me.

Awwww... that's, er, what?

My family received our first Christmas card! Well, actually it was just to me and it was from a record company the supplies a lot of the music that I review, SPV USA. They have a lot of different branches and their progressive-rock division frequently sends me unsolicited CDs. How nice of them!

Opening the envelope I see that it's a politically correct "Happy Holidays" card. Well, that's to be expected. It's a nice picture of a SPV USA Christmas ornament. Opening it up there are three boxes with artwork for new/recent albums by Alice Cooper, Motorhead, Symphony X, and Iced Earth. Plus it's illegibly signed by their staff!

Turning the card over I see a complete listing of their artist roster and a list up albums coming in 2009. I tell ya, I've never received a Christmas card, er, holiday card, bearing names such as Sepultura and Nashville em, kitty.

I can hardly wait to get a card from Metal Blade complete with Cannibal Corpse artwork!

I am unable to think

Thus... videos! The Sufjan Stevens Christmas albums are some of the best Christmas music I've heard in ages. The original songs are fun and capture the hope and feeling of Christmastime as a child. His versions of classic songs are unique but very reverent. Good stuff!

Um... Ice Cream

I have nothing to say but that last video is blocking my links... durned big video and incompatability with Firefox!