A Grand Experiment - Day 1

I've been wanting to try one of those colon cleansing products for years. Yeah, I know it's probably a bunch of quackery and I've even read some interesting documentation to that end but still the lure remains. Last year I saw that Wal-Mart actually sells one such cleansing product but my intelligent wife pointed out that they probably have this one based on it's low price, not it's effectiveness.

And so it was last week that we found ourselves in the natural food co-op (we just happened to find ourselves hiding next to a bin of organic fair trade steel cut oats). I think we were drunk on Alfalfa juice and stumbled in there or were lured in by hippies with a promise of a free tofurkey or maybe it was because of the food allergies that run rampant through my household.

In any case it wasn't long before I was standing in front of the dozen or so brands of cleansers. I immediately decided against the Heavy Metal Detox because, frankly, I still like the stuff provided it's done with some artistic integrity and has a strong melody. Picking up box after box (and yes, there is such a product named Colon Blow and it's not the cereal on that old Saturday Night Live commercial) I chose one called Perfect Cleanse. I have no reason why I picked that one as they were all priced about the same and all promised similar results. Maybe it was the two "doctors" on the box that look like they are greasy hucksters with egos giant enough to stamp their mugs on their product.

The regimen is that you take three "Purify" pills thirty minutes before dinner with an 8 oz glass of water. Done. The ingredients in these pills read like a potion from Harry Potter: Milk thistle seed extract, cilantro (aye ca rumba!), Yarrow flower extract, broccoli extract, and dandelion root extract, just to name a few. The box doesn't say but I'm pretty certain I just fulfilled my daily FDA vegetable requirements.

Thirty minutes after dinner is the "Capture" step. This involves mixing some powder (scoop included... thank you greasy hucksters for not making me scrounge around for a scoop) with 8 oz of water and then drinking it. Easier said than done. While not as bad as cognac (which tastes like it was fermented inside a colon) this stuff could easily have been ground up yard clippings. Flax seed, pea hull fiber, alfalfa whole leaf and CHIA SEED! Yes, CHA CHA CHA CHIA! I managed to get this down by repeating the mantra "It's for your health, only nine more to go, it's for your health..."

Before bed is the "Remove" step where you remove your colon and run it under lukewarm water for five minutes. Or you take three more pills, this time with Fenugreek seed extract, Bishop's weed, Fennel seed, Ginger root and other tasty tidbits. No fasting. No instructions to change your normal diet. No warnings to stay away from open flames. Nine more days of this and I should be as clean as a whistle, ready to pack myself full of Christmas cookies, blood pudding, Christmas goose, and Tiny Tim's hat.

Twelve hours later and all systems are normal. Except that I his this herby "Capture-step" smell in my nose. I certainly hope it's just in my nose and that I'm not stinking like a steaming compost pile on a hot August day. I think I'll go ask Brent Augustus to smell me.