friEND

 I think somewhere in Ecclesiastes it says “There is a time to plant and a time to uproot / A time to try really hard to make friends as an adult male and a time to give up.”  I’ve reached that point and I’m honestly not even sad about it.  Giving up trying to get this impossible brass ring has freed me of the stress and sadness of pining for what I don’t have.  It’s not happening and barring a miracle, it’s not going to happen so stop wishing and being sad that (e.g.) you don’t have antlers and get on with your life and enjoy the things you do have.

For decades I tried all kinds of things to make adult male friends.  I felt lonely because I didn’t have any and everything you read says how important it is to have a support system of peers.  So I studied what I call “friend theory” and would try to do the suggested exercises.  I would try to strike up conversations with guys at church or at my kids events and these other men would recognize that I’m “other” and remove themselves from the conversation*.  I’ve gone to men’s Bible studies for years at a time**, trying to talk to other men, and it eventually left me feeling worse because I could see other guys connecting with each other but I was still on the outside.  Well, I thought, maybe it didn’t work because I’m a music guy and “friend theory” says that relationships are built on x-number of shared experiences.  So for over five years I tried a dad/jam band, which at times was enjoyable as a pastime but musically left me unfulfilled because I can’t find anyone who likes the music that I love (or is even tolerant of it***) and so this year have decided to let that go as well.****  I get much more enjoyment from playing by myself along to a recording of songs I love than I do with playing music with other guys of songs that leave me tepid or worse.

For the past few months I’ve been content to just be.  I don’t have much, if any, inclination to try to build friendships and I even struggle to maintain the few relationships I do have.  There’s a guy I’ve known for a long time (who might be the only one reading this) who is back in the dating game so he’s radio silence.  And I totally get it.  Maybe that friendship will rekindle at some point but right now he’s busy with more important things and I’m extremely happy that he seems to have finally found a good woman.  I’m part of a FB group about one type of music that I love and was surprised to find that another guy in that group lives in my city (actually in the neighborhood next to me).  We met for coffee last weekend for about ninety minutes and it was nice to talk a little with someone who was at least familiar with the bands I like.  Maybe I would have been stoked a few years back but in 2024 I feel like it was just okay and that getting together again is more a feeling like I should than that I want to.  But it’s not a negative, just a lack of urging.

If this sounds like I’m depressed, I’m not.  I’ve been there before many times and this is not there.  I’m just… content to float downstream, I guess.  I’m tired of being tired from expending energy in this matter and so I’m letting go.  And it’s very liberating!

 

 

* I should mention that my personality type is INFJ, less than 1% of males.  “Oooo, an exotic and valuable unicorn!”  Nope, it means I don’t fit in.  Period.

** In fact I’m getting ready to head to one held at my work in a few minutes… and have been trying to decide if it’s time to call this one quits as well.  Six months in and nothing other than a little bit of small talk with one of the similarly-aged guys at the cafeteria.

*** The one except is having met “Mike the drummer”.  Although our musical tastes are different  he’s usually willing to try playing about anything that isn’t too complicated.  Of course I love prog music so there’s that.  But Mike is someone who would give you the shirt off his back and I’m glad to have him as part of my life.

**** Except it’s never that easy.  After 3+ months Mike (see above) wants to continue so I agreed for the sake of being a friend.  I’m setting my expectations uber-low and not spending much free time practicing.  I’ll just show up and wing it and hopefully not sing any Lynyrd Skynyrd songs.

 

 

The Most Invisiblester

I truly am invisible.  

 

I was recently part of a volunteer band where a video was being made. The first problem is that I play bass and non-musicians ignore this instrument. I'm only half joking.  

 

The strangest thing, though, was that they did six pass-throughs with three camera people each time moving around the band and getting close-ups and medium shots of the singers and band members. There were plenty of times where I watched a camera operator get right up into the drummers kit or park in front of the guitarist but, you guessed it, there was not a single time when any of the camera operators even pointed their camera at me, let alone came over for a shot like they were taking of the other musicians. Three people whose literal job it is to capture images of the moment completely ignored me not once but six different times, like I absolutely didn't exist! I wasn't hiding or hiding behind anyone, just standing there playing my instrument like everyone else. 

 

Normally I kind of laugh off my ability to be unseen but I’m having a difficult time shaking this one off.

 

 

1/15/2024 Update: It lasted a couple of days and now I'm over it.  The video was released today and it actually made me laugh. Do you know the part in Monster's Inc where the two main characters (I don't remember their names) watch a TV commercial and every time the green guy is about to get some camera time he gets blocked by something? That's exactly how the video was.  It was amazing!  Multiple times I would be behind someone and the camera would be moving and just when I would emerge from behind a singer they would cut to a different view.  Or the light was such that you could see my body but my entire head was in total darkness.  It was crazy funny!  But at least I was turned up in the mix and you could (gasp) hear the bass!  Most of the time it was louder than even the keys and the drums... a very unusual (and not very good) mix.