Metaphor Time

This past spring I picked up a box of wildflower seeds from Dollar Tree. It was on a whim, but aren’t most purchases from Dollar Tree? I didn’t really have a spot in mind but then I remembered the field behind our house, one that is attached to an elementary school but is mostly a field of grass with one ball diamond and an area that is sometimes used as a soccer field. There are a couple of sections of bare dirt ten feet or so off a roadway, sunbaked and barren, but I figured why not?

One evening the kids and I hacked into the hard earth with shovels, not really breaking down farther than a couple of inches. We didn’t really work that hard at it because it was only a buck. Then they sprinkled the seeds and the mix inside the box seemed to be mostly perlite filler, but again, just a buck. Then we raked over the seeds and I lugged a couple of five gallon buckets of water over from my house to get the seeds settled in. Some spring rains provided the rest of the water and a week or two later, after the mowing crew did their first mow, we gathered up a few armloads of grass to make a rather incomplete mulching. Over the next few weeks we would check our garden in the field when walking over to the playground but nothing was happening and we soon forgot about it.

Fast forward to July. Where we live July is dry and hot, the time when you stop mowing the lawn for a few weeks because it’s not growing. One morning while taking a walk I was going past our barren plot and it occurred to be to check. I wasn’t wearing my glasses so I walked down the ditch from the roadway and over to the forgotten garden. There were flowers! Scraggly, spindly things holding on for life, but there they were, pops of color growing out of what was little more than dried mud.

My mind was turned to prayer and God’s overflowing goodness. I’ll pray for something for a day or two and then saunter off on my merry way, forgetting my request. But behind the scenes God is often working while I do nothing. And then BLAMMO! FLOWERS! I don’t know how many times I had even forgotten that I’d asked for flowers or wasn’t even looking for them to bloom and passed them on by. Or if I see them I don’t put two and two together and fail to thank the One who answers prayers with blessings.

Make up your own allusions for this next part. They started mowing the field and the first couple of times they mowed around the patch of dirt. But eventually a government employee mowed zoomed over the top, nipping off the flower heads. Fear not… one week later and these stubborn plants were beginning to flower again.

More Black Kow Magic

Last year Black Kow sent me a T shirt and hat emblazoned with their logo because I sent them pictures of how great their product worked. And just like their manure, the shirt was high quality... thick fabric and the image has not faded one bit.

So this year I again picked up some Black Kow compost, plus some inferior no-name stuff. The proof, as Bill Cosby will never say, is in the pudding.

Here are watermelon seeds planted in a three-year old bag of Black Kow, with a handy quarter for size reference.

Here are the same seeds (and the same quarter) in a brand new bag. Both are doing great but the sprouts in the new bag are just a bit bigger.

And here's one of those generic bags of compost. Wimpy wimpy wimpy.

Garden Post 2017.1

If you can't tell, I'm not big on blogging lately. Mostly work is keeping me busy but I'm also working on short stories so that I can hopefully have enough for a book by the end of the year.

I also haven't been doing much in the way of gardening. Some pesky rabbit family has eat all the top off our beets but they've left the carrots alone... so far. They have also ignored the red romaine lettuce which I've been enjoying mixed in with my store-bought lettuce.

Of tomato plants, there are just four and they've been doing okay. My daughter put in some cucumber plants and they are acting strangely, making one deformed cuke per plant.

But the stars of the show, as always, are the melons. Right now (mid-July) on plant has three babies, each smaller than a tennis ball, and one other plant has one melon. Melon plant #3 is barren so far and a butternut squash has yet to make any squashies.

Continuing on with my experiment from last year, I just planted them into the bags of manure/compost/whatever. I made the top opening larger, to get more water inside.

Once again the winner, by far, is Black Kow in the yellow bag. It cost $5, where the others were $2 or less, but the melon plants in it are three times the size, plus it's the one with three melons. That said, I'll probably shell out for more bags of this magic cow dung next spring!

Here's a puny plant from some other brand of compost. Pitiful.

Garden Post 2016.3

I guess it's time to post more green pictures. Trust me... you'll come back to this page in the middle of winter and bask in their glow.

First up, my prize so far. This melon is slightly larger than a ping pong ball and I place a small metal critter cage next to it in the hopes that it will scare away chipmunks. There's still at least one of those buggers left even though I've relocated five of them this year.

This little guy is about the size of Andre the Giant's thumb and I'm pretty sure it's a Green Machine variety, one that's supposed to churn out oodles of melons. Because I was lazy I didn't even label or write down where I put each melon plant, and I barely remember what I planted. I'm fairly certain the one above is a personal size melon and that I also planted a Black Ozark and a white fleshed melon but there's one more that I can't remember. I suppose a trip to my seed tub to thumb through packets would solve the mystery but where's the fun in that?

A single melon plant, thriving nicely in my unusual planting manner.

A long view of more plants including some stunted sunflowers. One neighbor already has flowers on their sunflowers but they are the smaller- headed kind. I'm not jealous.

Here are the beans. I kept forgetting to plant them so they're behind schedule. Plus I really need to do some more weeding.

There are at least two beets ready to pick and eat but the kids have VBS (again) this week so it will have to wait until the weekend, at which time they'll be bigger than our house.

The Giant Marconi peppers are not so giant. Yet. Beside this one is a rogue tomato that kinda just started growing and I decided to wait and see what it is because I'm just that kinda guy.

And speaking of tomatoes, here they are. I've already had some of these super sweet little treats so it looks like the bag-o-compost method isn't affecting them in a negative way.

And speaking of negative, look at this mess! The house came with two mature pear trees but last year we didn't get to eat a single one because the tree rodents (a.k.a. squirrels) ate them all. I'm willing to share but when they take a bit or two and toss it to the grown to rot, well, that's just wasting. So I'm taking some precautions this year.

That's right, buddy. You're on notice to stay away from my trees!

Another surprise that came with the house is a blackberry bush. It didn't make much last year but this spring I fertilized it and have been watering it and VA-VA-VOOM! The raspberry plants I transplanted aren't doing very well this year but I'm not holding it against them.

Saving the best for last is my little helper. I had a bucket filled with water while I was watering the garden and my daughter decided to help herself.

Garden Post 2016.2

It's been one month and things are taking off. But not the budget, thankfully. I've spent maybe another $15 (including a bag of what must be gold-flaked compost that wasn't priced but by the time I got to the checkout and it rang up at over $5 I just didn't care). That brings the total to $40.

Let's start off with the pretty flowers planted by the kiddies. Moving on...

Here's the $5+ bag of compost, growing things nicely. But not appreciably better than the melon growing in the $1.00 bag (not shown for legal reasons).

Carrots and beets.

Tomatoes of all sizes. If you're still reading, congratulations. Even I'm bored right now.

Garden Post 2016

I guess it's time to admit that I'm back into gardening. On a small scale. After The World's Most Expensive Garden in 2014 I scaled it way back in 2015, partly because of moving back into the city and partly because I was likely in some kind of gardening funk. I did carrots and beets and half-heartedly threw in a few plants but mostly my heart just wasn't in it.

It's about the same this year. After seeing the sun that our yard gets, plus the clay soil and general lack of drainage, I've got a better idea of what goes where. But there's not a lot of compulsion. I've found that I'm a pretty sucky gardener so if the U.S. economy blew up and my family needed to depend on me to feed them we'd starve in fairly short order. And I can accept that. But when the sun finally starts to shine one tends to forget the failed experiments of the past and you try some new experiments that will surely end in an entirely new kind of failure.

Experiment #1:

Yes, those are melon seeds sprouting in the back window of my car. Instant greenhouse! And since I drive a 1995 Ford Taurus that I also use to haul bags of play sand and compost, well, the little bit of dirt that might get spilled if I take a turn too fast is only going to blend in. Should they survive these seeds will be added to my collection of Experiments #2, started mainly due to the bad drainage and poor soil, although I'm hoping that the bag will lower watering expectations, increase plant warmth and reduce weeds.

Experiment #2:

Yes, I've now gone full hillbilly and am planting things directly into bags of compost. I poke holes in the bottom and cut out a big square on top and hope for the best. So far I've got some sunflower seeds going and three of my kids each got their own bag o' compost (yep, we're livin' large) and choice of dollar-store flower seed packet.

My dad had some extra tomato plants so these went into the raised bed. In addition to the holes poked in the bottom I also cut out a six-inch square and planted 'em deep, topping the whole thang with super-strength cages.

There are also some onions that are growing from last year. For now I'm leaving them alone to see what will happen, although I expect they'll soon get yanked for a plot of green beans.

The kids also planted some nice flowers. They were asking to have their own vegetable garden and although my oath as a homeschool dad practically binds me to follow through with such a project, I just don't have the yard space.

In fact, this is all I have for a garden and the sides have standing water after it rains. Note the forty-year-old railroad timbers that disintegrate if you look too hard at 'em. I'll have to replace them in a year or two and I'm kind of regretting giving my dad the other two metal raised beds that I made, which means that I'll be needing to be making another set for myself. Such is life.

The raspberry plants were moved from the country last spring and it didn't take long until I realized that I had placed them in a very soggy location so I moved them again. I don't know if this is their final destination, hence the many weeds.

And finally the Ye Olde Carrot & Beet patch, covered in chicken wire to prevent squirrels and rabbits and chipmunks from disturbing them before they grow. This spring I was loosening the soil to get it ready, digging deep, and pulled up a handful of dead leaves. I picked up said dead leaves and yelled out "UGHWUWWUGH!" as I realized there was something moving and wriggling in the leaves, throwing them into the yard. A closer look revealed four baby moles. IN MY CARROT PATCH! They are gone now and I've taken steps to encourage their mother to relocate and haven't seen any sign of her presence in about a month. The whole thing scarred me for life.

Cost so far: About 25 bucks.

The Worlds Most Expensive Vegetables - Part 16

In the words of Devin Townsend, "Let's finish this!"

Yeah, so I've been slacking on the garden posting. It's not easy to get excited when things are winding down and the vittles get weird spots on them due to cold weather. This here is a picture of the current state of The Worlds Most Expensive Garden. Pretty sad, really.

But let's back up a bit and harken back to about the time I stopped posting. Here's that corn that came out chewy. If you look to the right you'll see some cows giving the corn the eye. Maybe the cows ran into my garden a few times this summer to get corn or maybe they were trying to get away from the stink of their barn. Only the cows know.

A "modern artsy" shot of tomatoes in their glory days. "Ooooh, look at me! I'm only slightly in focus!" Very trendy, so I understand.

That was then, this is now (pea pods, that is), though still just as artsy-fartsy.

This is a picture of me an' the missus. Move along, Peeping Tom.

Odds and ends. A small haul, most of which got eaten. As an aside, my household isn't very good at planning around the harvest (it takes practice and time, both rare in my house) so often a fresh cucumber would slip to the back of the fridge, found much later as a shriveled mummy. Or cabbage would sit and patiently wait for it's moment of glory, like a timpani player, only to have peak freshness pass before we were ready. Or remembered. Also note the playful Tomato People! These are romas and so stand a mere three inches tall although they look much bigger. Memories have a way of inflating things.

Speaking of forgetting, or almost forgetting, is the melon party! An unskilled grower like myself has a window of about six and one third minutes between when a melon is actually ripe (and thus no longer tastes like a cucumber) and when it starts to rot. I rescued these and held them in captivity in the garage fridge. My personal favorite is the white, though it's a crapshoot if you get sweet, sweet heaven or sour cucumber. Ya can't tell by looking.

The carrots have done extremely well, at least the white ones. I found that if you don't eat them within minutes of plucking them from the soil they get rubbery, which is why if you look at the top photo you can see some carrots still holding on tight for their chance to feed us. With yellow, white and orange carrots (I know, I can't believe I forgot purple) we chop them into round slices and make cooked candy corn carrots. They kids have been known to be tricked into eating these as the evening snack... at least the younger kids. But this isn't carrots, it's the sweet tater vines.

And here's the sweet taters dug up. There's a complicated curing process involving 90 degree temperatures and 90% humidity for seven days with the taters aligned north to south and rotated every hour by Scandinavian immigrants. I refuse to participate and am trying method #2 which involves leaven them outside on the ground during daylight hours to toughen their outer skin. Hopefully they don't rot or turn rubbery. In any case, I'm sure it's all just a waste of time and money.

Speaking of money, what's the total for the year? Here's my rough notes... too lazy to format them completely.

Big tomatoes - $10 - eating two every day at work
More marconi and bell peppers that are due - one big black, multi-color pack = 1
black, 3 red. $6 for peppers
Melons (one in fridge now) $3
Melon is a pumpkin! Also, mini pumpkins. $4
Lotta mini-melons - well four. Tried lots. $4
8# green beans - $10
Cucumbers - $1
butternut squash are small and covered with squash bugs- pitch 'em
Put rosemary up to dry - five year supply - $3
4# more green beans - $5
Put sage dried - $2
Drying sunflower seeds - $4
White sweet taters - organic - about 30# - $45
Loads more carrots - about 20# - $20

We froze six pounds of them green beans without washing and blanching. Am I insane?!?!? If you have any doubt regarding the sanity of a man who spends $500 on a stupid garden then I doubt YOUR sanity. I got the tip from this site. I think I'll grab a bag out tonight and see how they taste.

Adding everything up comes to $117 leaving the total cost/profit at $308 in the hole. Get it? Gardening? Hole? Oh well. There are still a few smallish peppers growing and pea pods I really should gather up tonight and two cauliflower plants that did nothing all year except look like freakish palm trees but now are sporting wee tiny cauliflower buds so I'll round down to $300 that I'm out.

But surely I can make it up next year, right? I could if we were going to be living here next summer, which we probably aren't. That's a long story that I doubt my lawyer will let me tell at the moment but chances are good that I will be taking at least a few of my $500 expense with us.

Thanks for reading. Happy garden dreaming this winter, y'all!

The Worlds Most Expensive Vegetables - Part 15

It's harvest time! Or rather, it should be but the extreme mild weather we've had this past August has put a huge crimp in the size of me produce, especially the failed melon patch which will forever go down in infamy.

Here's the first, silverline, I think. It should be about twice this size but it was done cooking. Note the Pet Shop figure for scale. Not much meat there, just enough for one small taste for the curious of the household... tasted like cucumber. There are two more of about this size still on the vine but that's it. Three tiny melons.

Next up is your traditional watermelon, Black Mountain something, I think. There was a second melon that I kept waiting on and when I went to get it found that it had split and bugs got in and, well, it was pretty ucky. Now this here melon should be at least five pounds, according to the seed packet, but it weighed in at two. Like the one above it tasted like it needed to ripen more. Booo!

However there are still some melons growing so I haven't given up hope. These are two of the largest with the dark green one being a freebie from the compost pile. My fingers are crosses but overall it's been pretty disheartening as most of the melons are about softball size.

Even peppers haven't done well this year. This is a Giant Marconi. Normally a single plant chugs out peppers like tomato plants pelt out their stock but this year I only got two per plant. My bell peppers (not pictured) are likewise wimping along at three or four per plant. Also most of my onions barely grew, the broccoli all went to flower (except for two or three decent-sized heads). It's enough to make a man hang up his shovel.

One good thing is the beets. I didn't plant many but surprisingly the younger kids love 'em! The also like seeing if they've eaten enough to change the color of their liquid output!

Then there's the corn. We got a measly five full heads out and the corn itself was chewy, like frozen corn. Oh well, the seeds cost me a quarter but next year I think I'll leave corn growing to the professionals. Go through all the trouble of hand pollinating a small stand or buy ten ears for $3 from some farmer with a stand in his front yard? No contest!

What else? Oh, the sunflowers FINALLY have flowers on them! I've been seeing sunflowers in yards on my drive to work for weeks and wondered why mine were so shy. Good times...

Because hope springs eternal (and next spring, after a long Indiana winter, I'll probably have forgotten all my grief and be anxious to get outside and plunge my hands into some dirt) I put in a large-ish fall crop of sugar snap peas. Yum!

Close your eye's if you're squeamish but here are some country-type things. Yes, a giant yellow and black spider (the body is about 1.5 inches) and two grasshoppers who decided to get kinky and do it on our rocking chair. Somehow I don't have a picture of the two-inch long water beetle that showed up in a five gallon bucket full of rain water, though my fearless daughter didn't mind picking it up with her hands. Also not pictures are many spiders with big, fat, squishy looking bodies (which my daughter did NOT pick up), thankfully all living outside.

So what's the total look like? We last left it at $445.
1 zucc - $1
1 cucumber - $1
Pepper - $1
Melons - $1
Beets - $2
Pictured above - $3
Lots of tomatos - $7
Carrots - $1
Mini-Cabbage - $2
Corn - $1
Which brings the total cost down to $425.