Music Review - Alice Cooper - Alice Cooper Goes To Hell

Hoffometer: 9

Alice Cooper Goes To Hell was the sequel to the very popular first solo album by Alice Cooper-the man as opposed to Alice Cooper-the band. Of course when I picked this album up in the early 80s it was out of order and I didn’t consider its chronological importance. For that end I’ll only say that this was an attempt to repeat the success of Welcome To My Nightmare, intentionally using the same musicians and stylistic variety.

And you know what? It works just as well as a sequel as a standalone.
The title track is a mid-tempo rocker with plenty of instrumental passages to be used as a playground when played live, giving Alice a chance to slay some costumed beast of the week. The masterful part is that these bits add to, instead of distract from, the overall flow of the song. Alice has always stated that despite the controversy that surrounded him he always portrayed clear cut morality. The song is a Greek Chorus of sorts that condemns Alice for his actions (“Making us doubt our parent’s authority” and “You’d even feed a diabetic a candy cane”), serving as a story prelude to the rest of the album. “You Gotta Dance” is light, even including flutes. Pay no attention to the disco beat (or that Alice completely rehashed the theme of this song in “Disco Bloodbath Boogie Fever” on his Welcome to My Nightmare 2 album. It’s the weakest song on the album but the torture only lasts 2:45. The devil himself sings about himself in “I’m The Coolest”, a slow simmer of a song with jazzy drums (compare the style to “Some Folks” from the original Nightmare.) “Didn’t We Meet” is the first killer song, at least for the teenage me whose heart was packed with emotions needing an outlet. Part love song, part hard rock song, I’m still not sure what the song is about but when Cooper sings “Didn’t we meet / In the night in my sleep / Somewhere?” with such earnest yearning, well, how could my tender self not indulge? Just as Nightmare had “Only Women Bleed” so did this album need a ballad for radio. What we get is “I Never Cry,” a song which is vastly superior to “Women” with such lines as “I may be lonely / But I’m never alone” and “Just a heartache that got caught in my eye.” When the chorus brightens from the soft acoustic guitar into vibes and rich vocals it’s pure sugar. Yes, a bit syrupy hey, it’s good syrup (pure sugar, no corn syrup).

“Give The Kid A Break” finds Alice singing from hell in the first person with “Don’t know why I’m down here / Must be something I said / Or some small imperfection / In my soul or in my head.” The music is 50s influenced classic rock with lots of piano and fairly nice at that. Eventually he is answered by the devil himself and the two have a humorous conversation before Alice is abandoned by the Greek Chorus, again a trick used in Nightmare 2 (“I Gotta Get Outta Here”). “Guilty” is an auto-biographical hard rocker (nearly metal) with a very catchy chorus. And it’s an honest assessment of his standing before God, which is more than most people give. “Wake Me Gently” begins with a pretty passage played on Spanish guitar, blossoming into another gushy ballad that hit hard with the teenage me. Now that he’s in Hell Alice looks back on a life of lost opportunities and regret (“This dreams a novel / That I don’t dare complete / No happy endings read / I think the heroes dead.”) When the strings sweep in for a dramatic instrumental passage, well, it’s pure emotional manipulation but done so amazingly well you won’t stand a chance. “Wish You Were Here” breaks up the dream with heavy guitar set to a rompy/disco beat and the kind of chorus destined to remain in your head for a good long while, ending with some solid guitar solos. “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows” is the classic bar song with Alice singing to a piano before everyone jumps into the pool for a big weepy singalong that heads to the finale, “Going Home,” a song which breaks my heart even now. Here Alice bares his lost soul, absolutely nailing the innate longing we all have that somewhere there is a better place. The song itself is big and dramatic with flutes and strings and timpani and horns, gushing all over itself with a killer melody that never goes over the line into camp. The lyrics capture the state of the fleeting nature of fame in that even at the height of his career he wonders “How many said / “I wonder what happened to Alice?” / How many shrugged or laughed? / How many cried?” Instead of fame and fortune he wants to be off the road, “To my own room / To all the mess / To all the dirty laundry / It looks so good, I don’t care / I’m just so glad to be back / Home sweet home.”

Rank: Essential Cooper

Music Review - School's Out - Alice Cooper (band)

This is the first of what I hope to be a series of reviews of cherished albums that I didn’t get to review professionally either because A) I found out about them too late after their release to review them, B) They were released before I started reviewing or C) insert lame joke here.

First up to bat is School’s Out by the Alice Cooper band. Unless you live in a remote corner of Idaho you’ve heard the title track many many many many times. It’s a good song but it does get a bit tired after the hundredth hearing. However it’s got lots of youthful energy and an amazing bass line. When I first heard this album I didn’t care much for it… too jazzy. Jazzy? Alice Cooper? Yes indeedy! This album, while hard rocking, also jumps all over the place stylistically. Though I’ve never been one to shy away from differing styles I just didn’t take a shine to this album for the first few years. And then I started to play the bass guitar and realized that School’s Out is a FORGOTTEN BASS MASTERWORK! I’d read that by this time in their career they were all drinking a lot and possibly doing drugs but Dennis Dunaway had to be completely sober to pull off the amazing bass parts on this album. It’s not that they’re especially tricky (though they may be) it’s that they are central to each song and astoundingly inventive.

“Luney Tune” is the track which follows the famous title track and that bass is a spongy slithering bouncy beast. The freaky song starts out spooky, then has a brief western-like interlude followed by sweeping strings before heading back to an extended instrumental outro spiked by a violin solo. What?!??! “Gutter Cats Vs. The Jets” opens with solo bass for thirty seconds, laying down an impressive rhythm before skyrocketing into the atmosphere. Listening again I’m just continually struck at the inventiveness of the bass line. The song itself is based on West Side Story and goes through a number of parts in telling its tale, becoming quite progressive in its structure. Once again you may find yourself wondering, “This is Alice Cooper, right? “Got You Under My Wheels”, right?” “Street Fight” is fifty-three seconds of fight sounds over a repeating bass figure. So as not to break the trend “Blue Turk” opens with a gritty bass line soon augmented by drums and electric keyboard and jazzy guitars. Heck, the whole song is jazzy! The subject matter is classic creepy-Cooper, a prelude to “Cold Ethyl” but I dare you to keep that chorus out of your head. Did I mention this song has a muted trumpet and un-muted saxophone, each of which get a chance to solo while the rest of the band jams around jazz-wize? I’m no expert on jazz, heck, I’m not even a dabbler in jazz, but this sounds authentic to me, making me wonder if the band was replaced by old geezers.

Side two. “My Stars” rips to life with long running arpeggios played on the piano. When did they start to play the piano!?!? I’m guessing it was their producer, Bob Ezrin. Anyway, the song completely rocks, leading the way to “Public Animal #9”. “Me and Jimmy, we ain’t never gonna con-fess / We cheated at the math test / We carved some dirty words in our desk / And now it’s time for recess.” The song itself is jazz-rock with a nice swagger but has the misfortune of ending with Cooper hoarsely shouting out the title of the song over and over, the albums only semi-weak point. It gets a bit thin is all I’m saying. A rumble of thunder introduces “Alma Mater”, a soft, sad song with lyrics of “Rain is falling down my check/ Searching for the sea.” Sniff. The song is a heartfelt longing for the “good times” of high school, even mentioning their alma matter by name. About halfway through the drums kick in and the band brings a joyous feel to the song with lyrics of “I finally grew up / They finally let me outta school” while a western guitar part evokes images of the Arizona desert. As the song ramps up to a rocking finale Alice amazingly captures the mixed feelings of the recently graduated who has no life plans. “Maybe I’ll see you around sometime, huh?” and “I hope you don’t forget me or nothin’.” Good stuff! The final track is a 4:25 instrumental packed with horns and synths and strings, plus the usual rock instruments, a true rock orchestra.

School’s Out is a classic and their third under producer Bob Ezrin. I really can’t emphasize enough the importance of a strong producer correctly matched with the band. For exhibit A I point to the first two Alice Cooper albums under Frank Zappa. I think he just put them in the studio and hit the record button. They were creative but without focus. Messy messy messy! Ezrin was brought in when they switched labels and it was a perfect match. Not only did he sharpen their musical energies with forced practice and re-writing of songs but he added his own theatrical background and creative touches, making the band into the juggernaught of the early 70s.

Rank: Essential Cooper

How To Cook With A Microwave Oven

Cooking with a microwave seems like a pretty mindless topic, right? Put the food in, enter the time to cook, push start, and endure the torturous ninety seconds it takes to turn the outside of your food into lava-hot rubber while leaving the inside cold.

Take that vegetable peeler away from your wrist... there's a better way!

The way microwaves cook is by exciting water and sugar molecules. These in turn vibrate and heat up the non-water and sugar molecules around them.

The problem comes when you try to heat these molecules past their limit by not giving them a chance to pass their heat to the other molecules. It's called sharing or convection or something. What happens is that these molecules get overloaded with heat energy and then burn, or in this case turn to rubber. It's like cooking eggs on the range top with the burner cranked all the way or a cake in an oven set to 500 (Fahrenheit, not therms). Bad things will happen when you try this blowtorch cooking method.

That's why microwave ovens have this great thing called a "Power" button. Cook your food for twice as long at 50% power and not only will the middle get warmed but the texture of your vittles will remain intact. Sure it will take twice as long but three unattended minutes in the microwave is still faster than five minutes on the stove where you have to stay in the same room and stir occassionally.

Spring Is So Far Away

I ran across more evidence in favor of "Good Friday is actually Good Thursday" - (see http://uvulapie.blogspot.com/2008/03/thank-god-its-good-friday.html)

Why do I harp on this so much? Because I'm a stickler for truth. If God's Word says something then we must align ourselves and change in response to this. I personally don't care if a thousand years of tradition say otherwise, if recently (in the past hundred years) uncovered manuscripts illuminate Scripture to provide greater clarity or rectify an incorrect, though for some reason dearly held, position then it's time for a change. I mean, if people can't admit and adapt to something as well documented inconsequential as Good Friday/Thursday because of their traditions what of bigger, more important changes that God may want to correct in our lives?

So there I was, perusing The Gospel of Peter and... what? Yes, since I read a book on the early Church fathers I've been interested in their early writings. No, I don't hold them to be on par with Scripture but they do provide a glimpse of early theology that has not be tainted. For instance, if someone believed something incorrectly you could just go ask one of the apostles directly for clarification.

But in this case, The Gospel of Peter is a very brief telling of Christ's crucifixtion, death and resurrection. What did I find in support of Christ being crucified on a Thursday?

[1] But of the Jews none washed his hands, neither Herod nor one of his judges. And since they did not desire to wash, Pilate stood up. [2] And then Herod the king orders the Lord to be taken away, having said to them, 'What I ordered you to do, do.'
[3] But Joseph, the friend of Pilate and of the Lord, had been standing there; and knowing they were about to crucify him, he came before Pilate and requested the body of the Lord for burial. [4] And Pilate, having sent to Herod, requested his body. [5] And Herod said: 'Brother Pilate, even if no one had requested him, we would have buried him, since indeed Sabbath is dawning. For in the Law it has been written: The sun is not to set on one put to death.'
And he gave him over to the people before the first day of their feast of the Unleavened Bread.

That would be the "special Sabbath" mentioned in John, the Sabbath on a Friday that occured before the usual Sabbath on Saturday.

I'm just sayin'.

Read the entire text yourself here.

Experiments in Soft White

The package of the Great Value (Walmart) 23 Watt Soft White Compact Fluorescent Bulbs state that they have a bulb life of, and I quote, "10,000 hours", "up to 9 years!* dura hasta 9 anos!*".

So when I put one of said bulbs that the government is forcing us to buy in the kitchen I decided to write the date and time on the white base. These bulbs lose life when they are turned on and off and since the kitchen light is left on 24/7 (tinker with it on pain of death) I figured it would be a good way to see exactly how many hours one gets out of the bulb. Because if it doesn't last 10,000 hours then I'm not saving the advertised "$77 in energy costs per bulb** Ahorre $77 en costos de energia por foco**".

From the time I put the bulb it was switched off a few times, probably no more than twenty. Since I have no way of knowing which family member turned off the light I figured it was better to offer "pain of death" to none instead of to all.

Today when I got home from work, the bulb was dark. Today... September 26, 2011. The date on the bulb (carefully extracted so as not to break it and incur the wrath of some hazmat team) was October 12, 2010... 11 AM. That's 351 days at 24 hours a day = 8,424 hours. Not bad. I saved an estimated $64 on the $4 bulb. SCORE!

More Blasts from the Pasts

This scan is from a clipping that was used for a bookmark. It's from an August 26, 1972 newspaper, though I don't know if the paper is either of the two that are in existence at this moment in time.

Of interest, to me at least, at the number of theaters in 1972 that I never knew existed. What was this "Clyde" of which they speak? Clyde seems like a great name for any baby, by the way.

I was also pleased to see "The Rialto" listed. For all of my adult life The Rialto was this worn down abandoned place in the bad part of town.

This is also from the early days of the movie rating. There sure are a lot of PG films and very few R rated. Even still, a bunch of PG files are followed with "Not recommended for children". It sure would be interesting to know their criteria for applying these ratings.

And why have I never heard of "Walt Disney's Napolean and Samantha"? Sounds like a blockbuster! Was it animated? Were there great musical numbers? Was it later blacklisted along with "Song of the South" for some ethnic slur? All I know is that it's an incredible adventure story.

There He Goes Again...

Settle down, kiddies, and listen to crazy ol’ Uncle Walter’s latest deviation.

Two or so years ago I got a notion in my head that I should look up a theology book which fully examines the concept of Hell. Common Biblical interpretation is that difficult passages are to be interpreted by passages that are clear and understood. In this case, I knew that while God is a God of justice, his overwhelming characteristic is love. There is no verse that says “God is justice” though I definitely acknowledge that a price must be paid for our sins. But what was bothering me was how could a just God exact a payment of eternal suffering as payment for twenty, forty, eighty or even one hundred years of sin. In college I was taught that such doubts fail to have a properly elevated view of God’s sinlessness. Perhaps. However God has placed reason in humans and any child could see the “unfairness” of being punished from now to forever for a life-time of sin.

I didn’t do any such research. However someone with holds at the library with my last name had a book on hold titled Love Wins and it was on this very subject. I couldn’t check out the book as the person had it on hold but did some searches and found that it was a book (written, it seems, for the Christian version of Oprah’s audience) that puts forth a Universalist view of salvation in that everyone gets in. Even a cursory reading of the New Testament dispels this view. There was book entitled Heaven Wins written in rebuttal but the reviews state that there wasn’t much exegesis in the text, just heavy handed affirmation of the typical view that sinners burn forever in Hell.

However I managed to find, or God put in my path, the exact book for which I was seeking. The Fire That Consumes by Edward William Fudge, written in 1982, is a massive 466 page volume which fully examines all aspects of, well the subtitle is “A Biblical and Historical Study of the Doctrine of Final Punishment.” I’ll state right off the bat that I had hoped that the conclusion would incorporate our Creator’s mercy and love but maintained that if it could prove that sinners are punished forever in a lake of fire then I would have to abide by this ruling.

As you may have guessed, I am quite relieved and overjoyed to find that this doctrine of eternal punishment is without merit, either in the Bible, Jewish beliefs, the beliefs of early Church founders, and even in more recent giants of faith such as Martin Luther.
Allow me to summarize.

The word used in the New Testament that is translated “eternity” is Aionios. There is no clear derivation of this word it is used so rarely in extra-Biblical texts that scholars are uncertain as to its exact meaning. King’s James translators made this word about endless time and this has stuck. However if the use of the word is examined it turns out to be more of an adjective to describe a quality. For example, “eternal judgement” (Heb. 6:2). One is not literally judged from now to eternity. However one is judged once and the ruling stands for all of eternity. “Eternal Redemption” (Heb 9:12). Christ’s work is done. He redeemed His sheep once but the result of this redemption stands forever – no one can take His sheep from His hand. “Eternal Destruction” (2 Thess 1:9). How can something be destroyed forever? Well, sure, God can make some kind of miracle but that seems rather malicious. Instead the destruction occurs and is never to be reversed. The same goes for “eternal punishment” (Matt 25:36) in that the punishment occurs, a punishment of an amount and duration perfectly in line with the penalty due, not to gain righteousness but as a payment. Once this punishment is completed there is destruction.

Yeah, I can hear my old theology teacher arguing right now, upset as he was twenty years ago that F.F. Bruce was softening his position on the traditional view of sinners burning in Hell forever.

Now the author also goes historical. What about our common Christian concept that the soul lives forever? That’s right out of the Bible, right? There’s gotta be something about that in the Old Testament…. Or maybe it was Plato a couple hundred years before Christ who came up with the idea, and only then as a way to illustrate his peculiar notions about learning (when we learn we are actually remembered from a global consciousness). Plato’s later followers took this idea and systematized it. Christians in the 2nd and 3rd centuries, in attempting to defend the concept of the resurrection took this accepted Greek view of the immortal soul and applied it to Christianity. This view was mostly accepted up to the reformation when Luther had fault with it, and so did the Ana-Baptists. Calvin believed in immortality, but even then he couched it with thoughts that since God created each soul then God could, if He chooses, destroy he soul. Because Ana-Baptists were the outsiders Luther didn’t defend his position against Calvin so as to have unity in the church and thus the immortal-soul view won. God alone is the giver and sustainer of life. The thought that the body and soul (and spirit if you’re into that kind of thing) can be divided is a Platonic idea. You will not find it in the Bible or in Jewish philosophical writings. There’s more to this, granted… this paragraph is just a summary of a chapter that was a summary of many books.

That’s right… just one chapter. I’m only eighty-eight pages in (six chapters out of twenty) and there has been Biblical and historical evidence in abundance that God does not punish for all eternity those who reject His perfect gift of salvation. Like most things that contradict traditional views this book has been ignored. “Just pretend it’s not there and it will go away.” What are people afraid of? That if people aren’t scared of going to Hell then they won’t get saved? Did Christ browbeat people with threats? Or did He live the ultimate example of a caring, loving, accepting human and this acceptance drew people like a magnet? The saying is that you get more flies with honey than vinegar and it is absolutely true. You get better results from your kids by praising what they do correctly than by angrily correcting them. The same goes for employees. It’s simple human nature to respond positively to positive words and actions.