Let’s see if I can piece this all together… it was clear as a bell two days ago when I was doing the dishes…
During my morning devotions (which unfortunately only happen on weekends or days I don’t work) I was struck with the thought of being peeled down to nothing. Earlier I had been reminded that a bad investment was worth about a quarter of what it would be if I had left it alone. From buying houses in the country to moving things in my 401k, I have a history of making bad financial decisions because I, Mr. Smart Guy, am going to outsmart the system instead of investing like all the experts say. After all, this other expert is saying contrarian things and well, I’m a contrarian. Anyway, so I’m wondering how stressed I’m going to be when all our savings are depleted by regular living expenses and I’ll have to start racking up debt on a credit card or stop paying certain bills* and I was reminded of a bit in the biography of Mr. Edward Fudge where they would often need a certain amount to meet their expenses for that month and a check would arrive for just that amount. No more. No less. That just stresses me out… I need some cushion. I mean NEED. Right now we have that cushion but it’s being chipped away at and will be gone in about 18 months, at the current rate. And it’s not like we’re all using iPhones or eating steak for dinner or even going out to eat on a regular basis. For me a treat is some Edy’s ice cream (instead of store brand) that I got on sale for $2.99.
So I’m wondering if that’s what God is up to, taking away my cushion so I’ll rely on Him more. Then in Sunday School the leader talks about when he and his wife were starting their business how sometimes they would need thirty-two dollars and five cents to pay their bills for the month and they would get a check for $32.05. Uh oh. I don’t like the sound of this.
It’s not like God and I have been super close lately. Truth be told, I’m kinda tired of the whole “Christians” thing. I’m burned out and I’ve been burned. I mean, you ask for good Christian friends for your kids and get nada. That’s not a selfish thing to ask. Or how about someone for my wife and myself? I mean, a coal set apart from other coals will soon go out. You need other coals to feed on each other. I’m here to tell you that I’m all but out. I don’t even think there’s much smoldering going on. So yeah, I’m kinda ticked. At God for not providing other coal in my life? Yeah, a bit. At “the church” for not providing support? Yeah, a bit more. At myself because I’m the common denominator so I either must suck, be a jerk no one wants to be around, or don’t know how to be friends? Yeah, a lot more. So with my near future involving having even less money/security than I do now and no other coals in sight it’s pretty easy to just want to give up. Gee…. What’s it like to feel like giving up and having a group of men rally around you for encouragement?
And I say this knowing that there are at least two guys who would reach out to me. Two isn’t bad, right? I mean, surely I’m just having a pity party. So while doing dishes that afternoon and listening to an old Rich Mullins album on headphones the idea came to me that I should go back and listen to all my Phil Keaggy albums and all my Rich Mullins albums. These are ones I consider foundational when my faith was new. And there's just something honest and refreshing about their music. So I think I’ll do that and see if some hope sparks up in me.
There is a bit more. That night one daughter had a two your choir practice and the other two had one hour. So I’m there for the first pickup and there’s a guy in the hallway that sometimes shows up for the Wednesday night Bible study. I’ve talked with him once, maybe twice. He doesn’t acknowledge me in the hallway and so, feeling even more down, I just move to the end of the hallway, away from people, and wait. Then another guy comes around the corner. I’ve talked to him a few times while waiting for kids to come out of choir. But I’m just going to keep to myself. Amazingly enough, he greets me and we talk a bit. Okay God, whatever. And then at the second pickup a different guy, also an occasional attendee at the Bible study, comes up and talks. WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HAVE THIS PITY PARTY?!? It wasn’t even a deep, full-fledged one, just a little bit of gloom. Well, at least I’m back to a 5 out of 10, emotion-wise. Not happy, not sad. I just am and I guess that’s okay.
* Although currently we have no existing debt and pay off our credit cards in full each month even if it means cashing in savings, which I don’t like.
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