friEND Update

It’s been a year since my last post, and also at least a year since I gave up on the “finding a local friend” thing.  And I can still honestly say that Since I Gave Up Hope, I Feel A Lot Better. (Thanks Steve… I know that’s not what you meant but the shoe fits).  There is still liberation in my withdrawal from society.

I realized that when I was a pre-teenager I spent most of my time alone doing creative stuff.  During my teen and very early 20s I had some friend time, mostly creating music or videos, but even then I would need alone time after.  Overall it seems that now when I have some free time, I’d rather spend it with my family or alone doing things I love instead of putting effort into trying to make guy friends.  I am fully embracing my lonerism… it’s best to lean into your strengths!

I think the dad-band played two, maybe three times in the past year.  If I can’t remember then that’s telling.  The first time was after an eight month break and was decent, possibly due to there only being the new guitarist.  The most recent was not so “decent” and I couldn’t wait to get out of there.  The previously absent guitarist is going deaf and blasted his amp right at me.  I asked him to move it and he did but it’s a small space so there isn’t much room for movement.  I would have asked him to turn it down but that’s just not rock ‘n’ roll!  Also both guitarists had loud hums in their amps, which isn’t normal but also didn’t add to the evening.  As a contrast, when I play bass or guitar along with recordings by myself in the basement, I come upstairs energized and refreshed.  I’m giving it time to make sure before I make the call, but it might be time for that season to end.  As it stands, I handed the reigns over to Mike a year ago so it’s up to him to put in the time to get us together so I’m sitting back to see how I feel when it finally happens, which due to his job will be at least another month.  Maybe my ear drums will have recovered by then.

Also in the area of the loner, in that past I’ve made intentional attempts to talk to guys at church, introducing myself and trying to make conversation.  Looking back at their reactions, it’s obvious no one was interested and they just wanted to go through the paces of church and leave.  So now at this new church, I don’t even try.  “Good morning” and a handshake during the brief meet and greet, walk in, walk out without trying to meet anyone, just like everyone else.  Church is supposed to be community?  Maybe for some.  As for me, nothing ventured, nothing lost.  And I actually like not having the difficulty of social interaction.

In the realm of work, there were three guys that I would occasionally swing by their office and chat with.  One is my age and the other two are quite a bit younger but have similar interests.  In all this time, none of them have ever initiated a conversation so I’m getting the hint and dropping that. 

That’s about it in the “local” area. 

In other news, I’ve finally given the infamous INFJ door slam to an old acquaintance from high school.  He was the second closest friend I ever had but I was too ignorant to notice that he moved on during our twenties, while I held onto the past.  And even during our closest period, it’s not a stretch to say that he was more into my music and video gear than he was me as a person.  For example, during the four months I was at college one semester he didn’t visit me once.  However he did visit someone else at a college less than thirty minutes away and he did somehow manage to make a few visits to my house and record with my gear.  To add to this, when he was visiting the other college, he was on a radio show playing songs we had recorded (or maybe just his own songs) but he didn’t call me beforehand to see if I wanted to drive over and also be on the radio show.  Over the years there would be spates when we would text or email but every get together was at my prompting (and driving), and I’m done.  He would give lip service to “We should get together.  I get to Fort Wayne a number of times during the year” but it happened once in thirty years.  How stupid am I?  “He’s just not into you, bro.”  I truly am thankful for the part he played in my life and the good times that we had but it's well past time to end this chapter.  So last April I gave up and resigned that friendship to history.  He hasn’t noticed or tried to contact me, which I guess means I was correct.

I guess I’m not good at doing the friendship thing.  It takes effort and this well is dry.  Why continue beating my head on a brick wall?  Hard like a stone.  A little contact every month or so and I’m good (Hey, Adam!  I really do appreciate and am happy for you!).  I’m just not a “hanging out” kind of guy but felt like I should try because, you know, Christian fellowship.